Grocery Store Visit

Last week when I walked into the grocery, I was in no hurry. If I get home too early, my wife makes me work.

Each time I enter that store, I scrub my hands with the free sanitizer. After a couple minutes, I am the model of sterility.

An older lady at a small table invites me to try a new recipe. The texture is fine, but it tastes like my morning breath. I figure I can serve it anytime I want guests to leave quickly.

Next comes the egg aisle. What’s the difference between A and AA eggs?

Did the hen take an IQ test? Do extra-large eggs come from extra-large chickens?

One carton says the eggs inside are “cage-free.” I’m happy for the eggs… but what does this mean?

Why does an egg need a cage if it can’t escape on foot? Well, I guess it could go on an egg roll.

Is the chicken who lays that egg also free? Do cagefree birds have outdoor access? Do they play sports, or do they chicken out?

My grocery visit also includes a search for morning multivitamins, formulated to help me function at peak efficiency. (For me, that means I can get through the day with only one nap.)

I’m also want a breakfast that combines coffee for quick energy, plus a cereal fortified with 30 or 40 healthful ingredients. I want strong bones and teeth, antioxidants to prevent disease, healthy heart and lungs, and good blood pressure.

My goal is to live 130 years, so I plan to purify my lifestyle soon.

The last thing on my shopping list is toothpaste. I take my time on this aisle, because last month I chose a tube the same color as my athlete’s foot cream.

However, the toothpaste seemed to whiten my toenails. And on my last podiatrist visit, I had absolutely no cavities between toes.