Sometimes you just need a good laugh.
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court - word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
******* ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
******* ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
******* ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year.
******* ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years. ******* ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
******* ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
******* ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
******* ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
******* ATTORNEY: So, the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
******* ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
******* ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY:Andbywhose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
******* ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
******* ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
******* ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. ******* ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
******* ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
******* ATTORNEY: Are you qualifi ed to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualifi ed to ask that question?
******* And last, but not least: ATTORNEY:Doctor,before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY:Didyoucheck for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY:Didyoucheck for breathing?
WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.