Vacations

Most families look forward to a trip because they can (1) visit someplace new, (2) swim in pools where catfish once lived, and (3) search out motels that appeared in horror films.

In a casual survey (at the mall) we discovered a father’s primary travel goal is to “see how many miles we can get behind us before nightfall.” Each day he attempts a new distance record, and he resents tourist attractions that may limit his progress.

A mom’s primary concern is “quality family time.“ That’s difficult because (1) it means visiting famous sites, which confl icts with Dad’s goal, and (2) it assumes kids actually care about historical markers that don’t offer action toys.

Children anticipate trips because they can play the “license plate game,” and vomit out the window at 70 m.p.h., a real treat for freshly washed cars behind them.

Here are other things folks told us: 1. “The shortest distance between two points” is a road under repair.

2. Armadillos and possums jaywalk across highways, and often don’t make it.

3. If the road gets smoother, the sun is at your back, and the traffic clears...you’re going the wrong way.

My friend Ted still replays his vacation of 2010. Seems painful to remember… but who could forget a lobster in his swim trunks?