As many of you know, we have four kids. I am not saying all the days were roses and sunshine, but we have finally hit a place where we all love and respect each other. We are as healthy as many families want to be and some are hoping to be someday. We still have our warts and scars, but we are okay with that. As a result of this good place, we often have some pretty deep talks which always make me a little bit proud.
After one of our discussions, I asked Wil about being a father. I do not think that was in his future when he was younger so I was interested in his response. I said, “What is the best part about being a daddy?” He looked at me with a huge smile on his face and said, “Everything!” Wow, that was a pretty amazing answer and not one I was expecting.
I want to tell the new and maybe not so new parents reading this that even thinking everything is the best does not mean that life as a parent is always going to be wonderful. I can only speak on my experience, but grief showed up at times when I least expected it. Not that wrenching grief that takes your breath away, but that life grief that makes your heart sad. Your children get their feelings hurt, they do something you know may haunt them later on, or an innumerable different grief incidents that occur just because you are someone’s parent.
You cannot prevent these from happening any more than you can prevent the sun from rising, but it still hurts. There are some parents that do not care, but I do believe most wish they could bubble wrap their children from the emotional pain coming just because life has to be lived. Sometimes we even grieve more than our children. They blissfully move forward while we nurse the pain when we should learn from their example. I have been around parents that hold grudges against others simply because of what happened to their child. As a result, their grief turns to anger which begins to shrivel their ability to forgive.
Wil was right. The best part of being a parent is everything even when that means learning with your child how to deal with grief. Growth is not a childish prerogative, it is a life necessity. This means physical, mental, emotional and spiritual growth should be a constant ongoing reality for everyone: parent and child. Grief incidents just contribute to one’s overall health if dealt with effectively and that is where the parent should step in. Be the best living example of how to deal with hard times. Voice how you are learning to deal with those grief incidents in a way your children can learn from. Encourage them and hold them up if need be until they can get their footing. Then let go and let them live. As a parent you have to believe and voice that the best part is still to come.